Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
