these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is Oprah even human
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
