My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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