remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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