that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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