I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
