Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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