i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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