Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
