I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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