I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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