i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize