Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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