4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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