last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
