Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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