Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize