I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
