Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
