My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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