need another drink. this is the easiest way
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
