If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
