I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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