the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
