I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
