Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
