i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
