well I can't set my house on fire every night
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
