Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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