he puts the penis in happiness.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
