So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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