Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
