Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
