totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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