this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
