So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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