Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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