i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
