God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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