OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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