Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
