I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
