note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
