hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
