i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
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