Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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