I think I won the penis lottery.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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