My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize