Just took my morning after pill in the library
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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