She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
