my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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