Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
