i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Green mimosas i think yes
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize