Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Pooping to opera.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
