i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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