Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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