Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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