Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
