he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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