When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
