I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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