just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I understand Curling. That high.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
