There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
